Yesterday when I woke to the news from the UK about the suspected terrorist plot to smuggle some form of liquid bombs onto planes, apparently bound for the US according to the Daily Mail, I knew the passengers were in for a day of hell. Better than a day in hell had any plot actually managed to succeed, but airport limbo should still be regarded as the 10^th layer.

In the face of security advice the airlines have banned passenger hand luggage and almost everything else from entering into the cabin. This list is expansive and includes anything electronic, all fluids, food, and even books and magazines. Magazines? Books I can understand; you can cut out the pages and smuggle small items inside, but I can’t see today’s terrorist ever trying to take over a plane with a copy of Vogue or Hello. I wonder if the ban extends to comics? Still I remember watching Alien and seeing Sigourney Weaver nearly killed with a rolled up newspaper. And try it yourself, the business end of a rolled up magazine can pack quite a punch.

The electronics I can understand. I’m surprised both that security services worldwide haven’t scrutinised every 007 movie and banned very item that has ever been turned into a lethal gadget.

Banning drink seems logical in light of the supposed form of the current terrorist threat, but food too? This time I am having a hard time seeing Johnny Terrorist trying to take out flight 501 with a ham and mustard sandwich. Perhaps the mustard is the old English variety; it is very hot.

Perhaps the banning of food and drink, magazines and books is really just a cynical ploy by the airline companies to boost profits in the long term. Unable to take any form of entertainment or refreshment onto a flight, they will have you eating out of your hands and buying any old trash to read. The enterprising among us will be watching shares in airport catering firms very closely I’m sure.

I do feel for those poor people who have to put their favourite handbags and other carry-ons into the hold. Look out of the window next time you are on a plane. Watch them throw your luggage around. In the past my luggage has been scratched, ripped, bashed, torn and generally treated like a school football. I’ve also had the fun of luggage delayed and lost. And my favourite lesson was when I had all of my contact details in my luggage and then lost which is going to happen a lot more if people cannot take hand luggage on board. Goodbye quick trip with hand luggage and hello to even longer waits for baggage reclaim.

But are these security measures enough? Why not have single sex rooms set aside where people strip, their clothes are checked by hand and x-rayed, and they are given a quick orifical check-up. And what about urine checks in case the terrorists have injected liquid explosives into their bladders? It’s all in the nature of passenger safety I assure you.

Bring back the good old days when three questions were enough to weed out the bad guy.

Did you pack your bags yourself?
Are you carrying anything for anybody else?
Are you a dirty, freedom-hating terrorist?